When things don't make sense

There are times when things won't make sense. Some of them are:

When you work a job that doesn't utilize your strengths
When you don't take time to do the things that feed you
When you let other people manipulate and control you (whether they intend to do this or not)
When you're struggling with hurt
When you tie your happiness to the actions of another
When you're involved in something that just doesn't suit you

You will know the difference between someone telling you a difficult truth and someone blowing smoke up your ass. A difficult truth will resonate with you and someone blowing smoke will leave you confused. People who honestly love you will tell you the difficult truths.

Diamonds and Gold

Something about no one you know

Sometimes at the end of a relationship, we have to put whatever we've been holding onto down and step away. That thing, that interaction, that love for someone that once brought out the best in us now brings out our worst behavior. Where once lived generosity, compassion, kindness, sweetness, safety, and security, there is now hostility, insecurity, jealousy, instability, and hurt. Oh, the hurt. It makes you say things and do things that you never thought were possible. Yet, here you are, saying them and doing them.

You start to wonder if there is some kind of breakdown coming and how far out on the pier you'll go. Heartbreak can feel like madness. It can't be numbed with drugs or alcohol, those things only make things worse. Trust me, I know.

We can continue to obsess about what we should have done differently. As we lie still in our beds, we can wonder if we'll ever feel them next to us again, not as it is now, but how it was when things were good. When time stopped and being together was amazing.

Conor Oberst has a great line that I think about often - "life is how it is, not how it was." If you don't like who you are in a relationship, if it makes you feel "less than," lonely, insecure, and causes you hurt in a way that's not typical for you, it's time to get out. Some situations are just bad for you and some people are just bad for you.

I've been told that better days are ahead, but I'm not sure what they are or what they'll look like.

The past 5 months have been rough. I'm still here and I guess that's okay, but I looked at my divorce as sort of a major event in my life, and it was, but life goes on after it. I'm not sure what I'm really supposed to be doing with myself or my time now that I'm single and alone roughly half the week.

Drinking, drugs, and other destructive behavior are what got me where I am, so I know that's not really an option. I've always envied people who I assumed had it all figured out.

The Motorcycle Riders

This past Saturday evening, I attended a birthday dinner for a good friend. I was surrounded by other good friends that I've met recently. We had great food, laughed, and talked about our weeks, our jobs, and families.
Afterwards, I sat in a local coffee shop for a few minutes so that I could get some reading done. I left as the sun was setting and drove north on my way home. As I sat in the inside lane, a motorcycle pulled up next to me in the turning lane. The rider had a female companion riding behind him with her arms wrapped around his chest. I thought about the two of them as I noticed everything about their situation - the way her long brown hair looked as it flowed from her helmet, his Puma shoes, the chrome on the Harley Davidson logo, and her tanned legs and ballerina slippers.
 I was a bit envious of their closeness and what they must be sharing with each other. I wondered what they were talking about and experiencing. What struck me, was that they were possibly experiencing the same evening and moment that I was. The air was warm that evening. The sun was setting, but was still above the treeline and made the empty lot and trees surrounding it sparkle.
It was beautiful; I was at peace and no longer envious.

Holy shit. Well. Divorced, co-parenting, sane, calm, heartbroken, sober, somewhat comfortable. And moving on. I have a cat and a roommate. I look back on the last two years and see what a clusterfuck they were, yet I'm still here and I'm okay.